loborine

Wow, long time journal.

Crazy stuff.   Im living in Pennsylvania with my folks after a surgery that got complicated.

It was the perfect time to move back home after not seeing my parents for years.  I especially like the  bond me and my little brother have connected again.  I feel like an actual big brother. 

I've made a goal to pay everything I owe by the time I turn the BIG THREE O.   I plan to change my last name to Rosales by the end of the year and give that as present to my mom in December.

and so much stuff like pursuing my dream. Poker world here I come.

Life is good, I feel good spirit wise, mentally, and loved.  Enjoy life my friends.  We onlyh go around once.

I remember two cool things my dad did for me when i was young.

When we all went to Mexico.  I remember we went to some place where the scenery was great.  I was given a horse ride with a real horse.  The horse was the biggest of all the horses that were given a ride.

The ride was slow.  but i remember my dad paying the guy so he can hit the horse, and the horse just went running.  I was so scared.  but eventually the horse stopped.  

cool memory.


The other was when i was in n.y , Manhattan.   He paid for a man to shine my shoes.  it was a cool thing for a dad do for a son.  it was ruined by some assholes teenagers talking shit cause i was getting my shoes shined.  the person shining my shoes was cool as hell though.



random thoughts i thought i should write down.

this story confirms my dreams.  (which will have to be another journal entry.  its too late and im sleepy)


I go into the gas station.

Im awake and upy.  Too upy cause its 2 in the morning.  so why was i in a "cherry" mood.  I dont know.

but i was.

I get a soda.

see the guy over the counter and say hey man.

He looks pale , skinny, and even though i would hate to say it.  the boi looks well  - HIV postive (dont know an other way to say it).  at the very least, its fair to say the boi is not getting enough protein in his daily diet.

but i digress.


....................................................

*from this point I will now go into third person view as i saw the guy*  not a dream.. this actually happened.*

I say, " Hey! (as i clinch my eyes to see his name tag)  ROSS!,  i had an idea.  i should go to a 3rd world country, and take 500 dollars for five days with me.  See how much i can stretch it out to.  Hell, i bet i would probably live like a king.

...


Ross reponds:  "yeah man.. (sigh)  When my dad died , he left me 23 thousand dollars.  I never did anything with it because i was thinking about my future.  "he smacks his lips"  MANNN!!! I shoulda went.  Dude, I've always wanted to do that.  I always kinda wanted to use some of the money to travel, because i truley believe my dad would have wanted me to do that.  But i didnt, and now i probably wont becuase my girlfriend got knocked up and its my child and im suppose to look toward the future.  Dont get me wrong I love my child, but *Huff* sometimes you just wonder."

i saw that his eye's were glassy.  He was saying ALL this while at the same time he continued to  scan , collect my money, give me exact change, and he does this all as almost automatic and mechanicly.  At the same time he spills his soul; he talke about his lost dream.  He explains the true emotion and thoughts in his head.  He says it all with this certain emotion.  

and see him and i stared at him.............



i said.  Ross, its was nice meeting you man.  My name is Miguel.  He looks like he snaps back to reality, he smiles.  and then again.  there he was..

back to normal.. his eye's suddently dryed back to normal.  and he said.  Hey im ross.  he laughed as i walked away.  Like i was a joke.

I dont know whats more ironic.

I went to church at midnight.

I couldn't hold it any longer, and i had to go to confession.

I hate calling myself a Catholic b/c im not a "role" playing catholic.

I only say i am cause my parents were.

Im not a big believer in going to a priest to confess one's sins.  I believe one can talk to god himself.

However, no matter how much praying i do.  I cant seem to rest at ease with whats going on in my life. So i convince  myself to go to see a priest.



I havent volunteered to go to church in 13 years.  Last night I decided to go.

I have no license, and the first thing i see down the road not even a minute after leaving the house is a cop.

Luckily i dont get pulled over and go on.


I finally get to the church.  Im in the the center of the church.  I see two big doors.  I see the cross, and the glass colored mirrors with what seems to me as an apostle in the glass.

I take a deep breath and reach to pull the door.

Its closed.  i look around and see this sign that says the church wont longer see people at anytime or something along those lines.  I laugh for a half a second, and then i get mad.

i take a picture to remember the irony.

I might have been ready to talk, that didn't mean god was ready to listen.  The house of god;  whom i was thought since little that his house would always be open to me.


was closed.


Maybe ive been so bad, that i was refused entry to his house.  

I feel alone.

I dont think ill be back over there.